As I sit here in the silence of my room, I get ready to seek God's face. I have been writing in my journal on and off lately, sometimes about random things that went on throughout my day, but often my writing has been me coming to terms with who I am and desperate pleas for change. I have had no particular motivation to post anything, but earlier tonight, I decided I needed to. Change in my relationship with God will not fully come until I allow my confessions to get past the privacy and secrecy of my bedroom and my journal.
I found it interesting that David chose to talk about spiritual revival tonight. Everything he spoke about struck the very core of my heart. Everything that I have learned lately was emphasized tonight, and it was the little push I needed to APPLY that knowledge.
Awhile ago, I asked God to show me who I am in comparison to Him. He has begun to do just that, and it has been a horrible experience.
Lately, as in the past month or so, I have felt like God simply wasn't there anymore. I knew he was, but I could not feel his presence anywhere, no matter what I did. I became "spiritually depressed" and began to distance my self from God. Not on purpose--that's just what happened. Although I continued to read my bible and pray, it was simply that. It was not communicating with God, but just empty motions. Slowly, I began to see myself as certain things, and I was afraid to admit them even to myself. I apologized to God for those things, and I asked him to change my heart, but I don't think I really cared.
There was no grief.
Then, something changed that.
As written Sunday, September 28, 2008:
I am beginning to see myself for who I am, rather than for who I want to be. I am a hypocrite. A liar. Prideful. Fake. Arrogant. Shallow. Selfish. Too independent. Ashamed.
These words are dirty and disgusting and I cringe every time I read them about myself because I know they are true; that is my pride talking. I believe sometimes that I do everything right; that is why I am arrogant. I write these blogs and I teach people the right way to live for God, yet I barely spend time with Him anymore; that is the reason I am a hypocrite, a liar, lazy, shallow, and FAKE. I don't always want to listen to others' advice; I am too independent. I don't tell people about Jesus; I am scared, and for that…ASHAMED.
Father, I need you so much! I'm broken, God, and the life I supposedly live for you is a joke right now. I don't wanna be those things I listed. Thank you for your love and your grace…you have already cleaned me up so much! Thank you for using my sin to show me who you are! How you, so perfect and so holy, could love ME, is BEYOND AMAZING!
God, I pray that you would become more in me. Teach me once again how to seek you for YOU, rather than for show. I wanna grow closer to you than ever before, God. I love you so much, but I pray that you would turn that love into your kind, rather than my own worldly love. You amaze me, God. Thank you so much for everything.
So much is going on right now. I just need to stop all the stuff I'm trying to lead and just focus on getting right with God. For right now, I need to go.
I need to hit the floor and seek God's face.
I have changed my view of God, and I have turned him into a god that fits me and my plans, rather than conforming to His.
That is no longer acceptable to me.
Lord, please help me.
Show me what it means to truly call you Lord again.
a beautiful collision
Thursday, October 2, 2008
October 2, 2008
Certain people are going to find me absolutely crazy for continuing this argument, but it has grabbed my attention and I doubt it will let go anytime soon. I feel pushed to act--to do SOMETHING--but what?
Today in my American Government class we had a discussion about the "No shoes, No shirt, No service" signs and whether they are fair or not. Naturally we all had different opinions...I agreed with some others that if it was a rule that a restaurant or store holds, then it ought to be followed. However, I felt that if it came down to someone being unable to AFFORD such articles, that is it wrong to deny service. I mentioned this in class, and a friend looked at me as if I was stupid and asked something along the lines of "Who in America doesn't have shoes?!" Class continuud, and afterwards we made our way down to lunch. All of a sudden, the topic is brought up again (not by me), and by the time we "agreed to disagree", I was simply floored. Our discussion had turned from being about the "No Service" rule to being about whether or not "all homeless people have shoes".
The argument sounds absolutely ridiculous, and it is, I know. But...I just thought that it was extremely arrogant to believe that just because we live in "America" that every single person is taken care of enough to own one pair of shoes. "Maybe in 3rd worlds, but not in America". Sure, maybe a lot of homeless people do indeed own shoes, but to say that EVERY SINGLE person in big ole America does strikes me as simply arrogant. Someone also said "Why don't they just go buy shoes?"
...that's a perfect "cricket-cricket" moment!
My guess would be that if a homeless person acquired enough money to buy shoes, but they were hungry at the same time, food would take precedence.
Maybe I'm wrong. Maybe I'm way far away from the truth. I don't know...but I want to find out. I want to see those people and get to know them. I want to learn to love them, and I want to see God in their eyes.
Certain people are going to find me absolutely crazy for continuing this argument, but it has grabbed my attention and I doubt it will let go anytime soon. I feel pushed to act--to do SOMETHING--but what?
Today in my American Government class we had a discussion about the "No shoes, No shirt, No service" signs and whether they are fair or not. Naturally we all had different opinions...I agreed with some others that if it was a rule that a restaurant or store holds, then it ought to be followed. However, I felt that if it came down to someone being unable to AFFORD such articles, that is it wrong to deny service. I mentioned this in class, and a friend looked at me as if I was stupid and asked something along the lines of "Who in America doesn't have shoes?!" Class continuud, and afterwards we made our way down to lunch. All of a sudden, the topic is brought up again (not by me), and by the time we "agreed to disagree", I was simply floored. Our discussion had turned from being about the "No Service" rule to being about whether or not "all homeless people have shoes".
The argument sounds absolutely ridiculous, and it is, I know. But...I just thought that it was extremely arrogant to believe that just because we live in "America" that every single person is taken care of enough to own one pair of shoes. "Maybe in 3rd worlds, but not in America". Sure, maybe a lot of homeless people do indeed own shoes, but to say that EVERY SINGLE person in big ole America does strikes me as simply arrogant. Someone also said "Why don't they just go buy shoes?"
...that's a perfect "cricket-cricket" moment!
My guess would be that if a homeless person acquired enough money to buy shoes, but they were hungry at the same time, food would take precedence.
Maybe I'm wrong. Maybe I'm way far away from the truth. I don't know...but I want to find out. I want to see those people and get to know them. I want to learn to love them, and I want to see God in their eyes.
Sunday, July 13, 2008
So far today has been quite the adventure! This morning we met at the church at 8:00 AM, loaded up our stuff, then stayed for the service. Pastor Mike spoke about urban legends part 3, and afterwards we had a special prayer time for the twelve of us who came to Jamaica. At 9:15, we headed out, and began the 2.5 hour trip to the Ft. Lauderdale airport. Due to bus problems that involved the inability to go over 50 mph, we were not able to stop for lunch until we got to the airport. By about 2:00 PM we were through check-in and security, and were getting our lunch at an airport restaurant. Because of the nasty, rainy weather, our plane was late, so we spent the time playing spoons with pens on the waiting room floor. It got so crazy! Crawling all over each other, fighting, hollaring, etc! FINALLY we were able to board, and we sorta switched our seats around. Well, I did. Once our plane began to get in line for take-off, Emily and I started our first video diary...We are currently up to #6 or #7, and they are quite funny!
Our plane ride was smooth, boring, and filled with Phase 10. The van ride, though...SUPER FAST! Everything was so narrow and there were times when I thought we'd hit! It's sickening though, to see one side of the road filled with shacks and poverty, and the beach side with skyscraper resorts.
I'll write some more tomorrow...
Dinner was GREAT and our rooms are nicer than American hotels, in our opinion.
At the moment, the security dogs are going crazy, and someone "knocked on my window"...the girls are freaked. I'm a little bit, too, I have to admit. Lol
Until later,
Courtney
P.S. "Look who's jumpin now!"
Our plane ride was smooth, boring, and filled with Phase 10. The van ride, though...SUPER FAST! Everything was so narrow and there were times when I thought we'd hit! It's sickening though, to see one side of the road filled with shacks and poverty, and the beach side with skyscraper resorts.
I'll write some more tomorrow...
Dinner was GREAT and our rooms are nicer than American hotels, in our opinion.
At the moment, the security dogs are going crazy, and someone "knocked on my window"...the girls are freaked. I'm a little bit, too, I have to admit. Lol
Until later,
Courtney
P.S. "Look who's jumpin now!"
Saturday, July 12, 2008
Today is Thomas' funeral. Even though death is one of the most natural things, it shocks me terribly when it is a young person, even more when it is someone I knew by name. I admit I didn't know Thomas THAT well, hardly at all, but nevertheless...it's tough.
I'm more concerned about my friends who knew him. Olga especially, and David and Chris and who knows who else. I pray that I can comfort them somehow...It's hard to watch people you care about deal with something so painful. It makes my heart wrench and tighten up, if that makes sense.
Lord, take care of them.
I'm more concerned about my friends who knew him. Olga especially, and David and Chris and who knows who else. I pray that I can comfort them somehow...It's hard to watch people you care about deal with something so painful. It makes my heart wrench and tighten up, if that makes sense.
Lord, take care of them.
Thursday, July 3, 2008
1 Peter 5:5-7 "Young men, in the same way be submissive to those who are older. All of you, clothe yourselves with humility toward one another, because "God opposes the proud but gives grace to the humble." Humble yourselves, therefore, under God's mighty hand, that he may lift you up in due time. Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you."
"In today's world, asking for help is considered a weakness. We are taught to be independent and self-sufficient" --EC magazine
^ Yes! And that is me...I guess it's considered pride. I'm not necessarily boasting about myself, but I think I can do it all on my own. The fact of the matter is, I wasn't made that way. We're made to do things together.
1 Peter 5:5-7 talks about how we need to "clothe ourselves with humility". When we humble ourselves it might seem like we get the short end of the stick for awhile, but God will "lift [us] up in due time". If we keep humbling ourselves the way God asks, when the time comes, we'll see what came of it.
There's a verse that talks about tearing down the prideful and lifting up the humble.
--God will do that.
"In today's world, asking for help is considered a weakness. We are taught to be independent and self-sufficient" --EC magazine
^ Yes! And that is me...I guess it's considered pride. I'm not necessarily boasting about myself, but I think I can do it all on my own. The fact of the matter is, I wasn't made that way. We're made to do things together.
1 Peter 5:5-7 talks about how we need to "clothe ourselves with humility". When we humble ourselves it might seem like we get the short end of the stick for awhile, but God will "lift [us] up in due time". If we keep humbling ourselves the way God asks, when the time comes, we'll see what came of it.
There's a verse that talks about tearing down the prideful and lifting up the humble.
--God will do that.
lillies?
Luke 12:22-30 "Then Jesus said to his disciples: "Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat; or about your body, what you will wear. Life is more than food, and the body more than clothes. Consider the ravens: They do not sow or reap, they have no storeroom or barn; yet God feeds them. And how much more valuable you are than birds! Who of you by worrying can add a single hour to his life? Since you cannot do this very little thing, why do you worry about the rest?"Consider how the lilies grow. They do not labor or spin. Yet I tell you, not even Solomon in all his splendor was dressed like one of these. If that is how God clothes the grass of the field, which is here today, and tomorrow is thrown into the fire, how much more will he clothe you, O you of little faith! And do not set your heart on what you will eat or drink; do not worry about it. For the pagan world runs after all such things, and your Father knows that you need them."
Why do we worry so much about what we will eat or wear?
Nature is proof that God exists and that He cares for EVERYTHING.
It shows that he feeds the plants and animals without our help just fine, because he loves them.
Why, then, do we think He won't care for us?
Why do we worry so much about what we will eat or wear?
Nature is proof that God exists and that He cares for EVERYTHING.
It shows that he feeds the plants and animals without our help just fine, because he loves them.
Why, then, do we think He won't care for us?
Something Different
I started cleaning my room today, going through stacks of papers, old quiet time notebooks, etc, and I chose some things that I'm going to post up here to share. It's interesting to look back on my thoughts and see what I was learning one, even two, years ago. I'll start by putting some random little notes I found in this entry, and then I'll post separate ones, ending with my most recent journal entry. Enjoy!
Hebrews 12:5-7--"And you have forgotten that word of encouragement that addresses you as sons: "My son, do not make light of the Lord's discipline, and do not lose heart when he rebukes you, because the Lord disciplines those he loves, and he punishes everyone he accepts as a son. "Endure hardship as discipline; God is treating you as sons. For what son is not disciplined by his father?"
** Do I give up on life completely when Dad disciplines me? Do I quit talking to him? Do I ignore him as if he's not even there?! Of course not. I accept the punishment, and continue on. [When I reread this, it kinda made me laugh because I could imagine me saying this, all worked up, like reciting lines in a play or something.]
11/26/06: Pastor Stephen--"We are as close to God as we want to be, because if we weren't, We'd be doing something about it. The real question is...Are we as close to God as HE wants us to be?"That's what matters...
Now, this verse I just liked:
Acts 5:38-39 "...For if their purpose or activity is of human origin, it will fail. But if it is from God, you will not be able to stop these men; you will only find yourself fighting against God."
I'm not going to share anything else about this. You read it and decide what it means to you.
Hebrews 12:5-7--"And you have forgotten that word of encouragement that addresses you as sons: "My son, do not make light of the Lord's discipline, and do not lose heart when he rebukes you, because the Lord disciplines those he loves, and he punishes everyone he accepts as a son. "Endure hardship as discipline; God is treating you as sons. For what son is not disciplined by his father?"
** Do I give up on life completely when Dad disciplines me? Do I quit talking to him? Do I ignore him as if he's not even there?! Of course not. I accept the punishment, and continue on. [When I reread this, it kinda made me laugh because I could imagine me saying this, all worked up, like reciting lines in a play or something.]
11/26/06: Pastor Stephen--"We are as close to God as we want to be, because if we weren't, We'd be doing something about it. The real question is...Are we as close to God as HE wants us to be?"That's what matters...
Now, this verse I just liked:
Acts 5:38-39 "...For if their purpose or activity is of human origin, it will fail. But if it is from God, you will not be able to stop these men; you will only find yourself fighting against God."
I'm not going to share anything else about this. You read it and decide what it means to you.
Saturday, June 28, 2008
Saturday, June 28, 2008
Last night was beautiful. I've noticed how easy is it to draw close to God again when I've been lazy. It doesn't take much, not at all. Just obeying God when He gives me those little urges can bring a moment that yanks me back into His arms and into His love.
When I was leaving work last night, it was late and stormy, and even though there were other cars out and about, I felt alone. Not in the depressing snse or anything--it was just like "I'm alone right now, no one else matters" you know? I had the radio on wayfm, and I was singing along to whatever song was on, and God told me to turn the radio off and pray. So I did.
Now, I've done this before in the car, but it's always been awkward to hear my voice bouncing around in the emptiness of the van (lol), but last night it was completely comfortable. My voice was strong as I began praying for different people, as if I was tapping into God's power. I began just thanking Him and praising Him for the things He has given me and the people He has placed in my life. I began thanking Him for Jesus, for saving me, for loving me.
Like I told Beth, I couldn't help but cry, because how else can you express such an overwhelming gratefulness?!
The God we serve is doing AMAZING things!
Until later,
Courtney
Last night was beautiful. I've noticed how easy is it to draw close to God again when I've been lazy. It doesn't take much, not at all. Just obeying God when He gives me those little urges can bring a moment that yanks me back into His arms and into His love.
When I was leaving work last night, it was late and stormy, and even though there were other cars out and about, I felt alone. Not in the depressing snse or anything--it was just like "I'm alone right now, no one else matters" you know? I had the radio on wayfm, and I was singing along to whatever song was on, and God told me to turn the radio off and pray. So I did.
Now, I've done this before in the car, but it's always been awkward to hear my voice bouncing around in the emptiness of the van (lol), but last night it was completely comfortable. My voice was strong as I began praying for different people, as if I was tapping into God's power. I began just thanking Him and praising Him for the things He has given me and the people He has placed in my life. I began thanking Him for Jesus, for saving me, for loving me.
Like I told Beth, I couldn't help but cry, because how else can you express such an overwhelming gratefulness?!
The God we serve is doing AMAZING things!
Until later,
Courtney
Wednesday, June 11, 2008
I haven't written yet since school got out, and honestly, I haven't had a quiet time since then either. David was right when he said sometimes we get lazy with the coming of summer. I will make sure that will change though--starting now.
So, before I say what I want to say, I'd like to apologize to David Estradaaaaa for youth last night. It seems like we were all a little restless, and my jolly ranchers probably had a lot to do with it. =] I know it's most likely hard to get up and speak about something important to kids who aren't listening. So, I'm sorry.
Basically, I just wanted to hurry up and put down some thoughts about 1 and 2 Timothy. That was Alex's challenge to me--reread that and tell him what I got out of it. So I did, but like I told him yesterday, what I wlaked away with wasn't necessarily about a particular verse, but more about the book as a whole and the relationship between Paul and Timothy.
Ever since I read a novel series titled "The Mark of the Lion" by Francine Rivers, I've had a different understanding about what getting letters from the apostles would have really been like. So now having read those books, I turn to 1 and 2 Timothy and really see it played out. I read those books with a whole different view. It was as if I were actually Timothy receiving word from Paul after a long time, and soaking it all up. It was no longer like reading some old, dead guy's rules for Timothy, but like reading a caring friend's godly advice for ME.
In all, it made it pretty interesting. What cracked me up though is how Paul goes from saying "Do not be hasty in the laying on of hands..." to "Stop drinking only water...because of your stomach and frequent illnesses", then right on back to "The sins of some are obvious..." I mean, what on earth?! Right in the middle of all that "important-sounding" stuff, Paul gives Timothy advice for stomach problems!
Hah...Well okay, I'm out.
Until Later,
Courtney
So, before I say what I want to say, I'd like to apologize to David Estradaaaaa for youth last night. It seems like we were all a little restless, and my jolly ranchers probably had a lot to do with it. =] I know it's most likely hard to get up and speak about something important to kids who aren't listening. So, I'm sorry.
Basically, I just wanted to hurry up and put down some thoughts about 1 and 2 Timothy. That was Alex's challenge to me--reread that and tell him what I got out of it. So I did, but like I told him yesterday, what I wlaked away with wasn't necessarily about a particular verse, but more about the book as a whole and the relationship between Paul and Timothy.
Ever since I read a novel series titled "The Mark of the Lion" by Francine Rivers, I've had a different understanding about what getting letters from the apostles would have really been like. So now having read those books, I turn to 1 and 2 Timothy and really see it played out. I read those books with a whole different view. It was as if I were actually Timothy receiving word from Paul after a long time, and soaking it all up. It was no longer like reading some old, dead guy's rules for Timothy, but like reading a caring friend's godly advice for ME.
In all, it made it pretty interesting. What cracked me up though is how Paul goes from saying "Do not be hasty in the laying on of hands..." to "Stop drinking only water...because of your stomach and frequent illnesses", then right on back to "The sins of some are obvious..." I mean, what on earth?! Right in the middle of all that "important-sounding" stuff, Paul gives Timothy advice for stomach problems!
Hah...Well okay, I'm out.
Until Later,
Courtney
Thursday, June 5, 2008
Thursday, June 5, 2008
Earlier today we had to present a literary analysis in my American Lit. class, and something caught my attention about my friend's. She made a comment about the theme of her book, which was good vs. evil. She said "good always wins". No matter what happens to someone in their lifetime, "good" always comes even if they don't live to see it. So, that made me think. Isn't that like God? He said "It is mine to avenge; I will repay. In due time, their foot will slip." Justice is God's, not ours. And like I said, even if we don't see that justice in our lifetime, it will come...in God's "due time"....right?
Well, anyways...You know those Daily Bible Verse things that some people have on their myspace? Well, I was on a friend's page yesterday and I saw 1 Peter 3:15 and I really liked it. It says:
"But in your hearts revere Christ as Lord. Always be prepared to give an answer to everyone who asks you to give the reason for the hope that you have. But do this with gentleness and respect, keeping a clear conscience, so that those who speak maliciously against your good behavior in Christ may be ashamed of their behavior."
God really spoke to me through this, because I was a little worried about next year--a teacher told me that the Fellowship of Christian Students club we're trying to start for next year may not be seen as good news to certain other teachers. I've been really concerned about if I can handle that kind of persecution. So when I read this, it was like God telling me that the only thing I can do is be ready and know exactly what I would say should someone ask.
So, okay. I get that. Easy. But then Peter's next line didn't quite fit right in my head...Why does he feel the need to remind us to be gentle and respectful? Why does he start talking about malicious speech against us? I came to the conclusion that Peter wasn't just talking about a curious friend, although that could apply. I believe he was also talking about people who go up against us and our faith in God, people who DEMAND an answer, or mock what we believe. There will be people like those certain teachers that don't want us living for Christ, and that is Satan rising up against us. All we need to do is be prepared, and to not stray from what Christ asks of us. As long as we continue to walk with God, nothing can be held against us.
I just thought that was pretty cool.
Later!
Earlier today we had to present a literary analysis in my American Lit. class, and something caught my attention about my friend's. She made a comment about the theme of her book, which was good vs. evil. She said "good always wins". No matter what happens to someone in their lifetime, "good" always comes even if they don't live to see it. So, that made me think. Isn't that like God? He said "It is mine to avenge; I will repay. In due time, their foot will slip." Justice is God's, not ours. And like I said, even if we don't see that justice in our lifetime, it will come...in God's "due time"....right?
Well, anyways...You know those Daily Bible Verse things that some people have on their myspace? Well, I was on a friend's page yesterday and I saw 1 Peter 3:15 and I really liked it. It says:
"But in your hearts revere Christ as Lord. Always be prepared to give an answer to everyone who asks you to give the reason for the hope that you have. But do this with gentleness and respect, keeping a clear conscience, so that those who speak maliciously against your good behavior in Christ may be ashamed of their behavior."
God really spoke to me through this, because I was a little worried about next year--a teacher told me that the Fellowship of Christian Students club we're trying to start for next year may not be seen as good news to certain other teachers. I've been really concerned about if I can handle that kind of persecution. So when I read this, it was like God telling me that the only thing I can do is be ready and know exactly what I would say should someone ask.
So, okay. I get that. Easy. But then Peter's next line didn't quite fit right in my head...Why does he feel the need to remind us to be gentle and respectful? Why does he start talking about malicious speech against us? I came to the conclusion that Peter wasn't just talking about a curious friend, although that could apply. I believe he was also talking about people who go up against us and our faith in God, people who DEMAND an answer, or mock what we believe. There will be people like those certain teachers that don't want us living for Christ, and that is Satan rising up against us. All we need to do is be prepared, and to not stray from what Christ asks of us. As long as we continue to walk with God, nothing can be held against us.
I just thought that was pretty cool.
Later!
Monday, April 21, 2008
My grandpa passed away today. Although we're not sure if he ever truly accepted Christ or not, I can no longer dwell on that--what good would it do? It's hard though, because SINCE we don't know whether he went to heaven or hell, what can we celebrate? At least if we knew he had accepted Christ we could find joy in the fact that he made it home to Jesus, despite the life and memories he left behind. But we cannot. I now find it hardest to watch my family, especially my dad. I cry, not because my grandpa's gone, but because I have never seen Daddy so bad, so distraught. If you're never really around him or if you don't know him that well, you might not be able to tell. I think he and I have that in common--we do the best we can to hold it all in, sometimes for the sake of being strong.
What kills me though is that people like my dad and my grandma have no way of dealing with this. They don't have the hope in Jesus the way my mom, my sister and I do. At least we have the best possible shoulder to lean on, no matter what level of grief we experience. They don't have that, so what do they do? What do I do? What on earth could I possibly say to comfort them? I'm lost when it comes to that.
We went to see him earlier tonight. He looked so peaceful, as if he were sleeping...
It's late. I'll finish this later.
Until then,
Courtney
What kills me though is that people like my dad and my grandma have no way of dealing with this. They don't have the hope in Jesus the way my mom, my sister and I do. At least we have the best possible shoulder to lean on, no matter what level of grief we experience. They don't have that, so what do they do? What do I do? What on earth could I possibly say to comfort them? I'm lost when it comes to that.
We went to see him earlier tonight. He looked so peaceful, as if he were sleeping...
It's late. I'll finish this later.
Until then,
Courtney
Monday, April 7, 2008
I have a strange feeling in my heart.
I’m not real sure how to react to everything.
Grandma made a good point--in one of my surveys I said that life’s pretty good right now, which kind of scares me.
It makes me wonder just when something will happen.
Well, bingo.
I’m not close to him.
I never was.
But still.
And I think the biggest thing for me is making sure he’s saved.
I knew I was supposed to talk to him.
God laid it on my heart.
I was scared.
And I wanted to do it alone with him.
I thought I wouldn’t do it, but God gave me the chance.
It was awkward at first, and I didn’t know what to say.
We talked.
I can’t say for sure if he’s saved, of course, but if someone can confidently say "I believe in heaven and hell. I believe in God and Jesus. I believe Jesus died for everyone", then isn’t that enough to get into heaven?
I’m confused about how to feel, even with my faith in God.
If it’s that way for me, what’s it like for all them?
Oh, dear.
I’m not real sure how to react to everything.
Grandma made a good point--in one of my surveys I said that life’s pretty good right now, which kind of scares me.
It makes me wonder just when something will happen.
Well, bingo.
I’m not close to him.
I never was.
But still.
And I think the biggest thing for me is making sure he’s saved.
I knew I was supposed to talk to him.
God laid it on my heart.
I was scared.
And I wanted to do it alone with him.
I thought I wouldn’t do it, but God gave me the chance.
It was awkward at first, and I didn’t know what to say.
We talked.
I can’t say for sure if he’s saved, of course, but if someone can confidently say "I believe in heaven and hell. I believe in God and Jesus. I believe Jesus died for everyone", then isn’t that enough to get into heaven?
I’m confused about how to feel, even with my faith in God.
If it’s that way for me, what’s it like for all them?
Oh, dear.
Wednesday, March 12, 2008
Wednesday, March 12, 2008
I’m not sure where to start--but I want to explain something. The past few weeks I haven’t been living for Jesus the way I should be, but I don’t think that means I haven’t been living for Him at all.
My two biggest faults, if you haven’t noticed, are perfectionism and laziness. I’m not exactly sure how someone can be both at the same time, but that’s me. I get lazy with my quiet times every now and then, and yet still get frustrated with myself when I can’t change everything at once. I guess sometimes I just get the idea in my head that I need to have everything down perfectly before I can start talking again, and I try to do it myself. I have this idealistic image in my head of who I think I should be as a Christian, and I try to attain that all at once, without Jesus.
It’s stupid and it’s wrong for me to think that way, and like I told Emily last night, I’m working really hard at focusing only on Jesus. When I do that, our actual relationship and fellowship are restored, and then everything else falls into place on its own. I don’t do anything except let God change me.
A little while ago I was praying and I was basically telling God that I know I try to do things on my own and that I need Him to help me re-focus. As I’m talking, this incredibly random thought crossed my mind and completely took over, silencing me. I played it over in my head, and then I just sat there, listening. The thought evolved into "You’re okay...You don’t need to fix everything..." and this incredible peace settled over my heart. I didn’t try to say anything--I just sat there.
I’m so glad that life is not about me. My journals tend to be, but that’s because this is my heart, and I want to share it with you. I guess I make it way too easy to get to know me. =]
Last night David was talking about being "close to the cross but far from God" and being "close to the cross and close to God". The first means that you’re involved in church and you know all the right things to say, yet you don’t have a relationship with God. The second means that you do the above, except you’re real about it and you really do have a relationship with Him--you read your bible, you pray, and you do your best to live for Him.
As I’m thinking about which category I would fall under, I’m getting scared because I think I would say the second more than the first, but I DON’T always give it my all. Then David starts saying "you mess up, but that’s okay!" and I felt loads better. THAT’S my mess-up--not giving God my all ALL the time. But I’m trying...
I gotta go--I’m supposed to hang out with David today, and I gotta go get ready.
Until later,
Courtney
I’m not sure where to start--but I want to explain something. The past few weeks I haven’t been living for Jesus the way I should be, but I don’t think that means I haven’t been living for Him at all.
My two biggest faults, if you haven’t noticed, are perfectionism and laziness. I’m not exactly sure how someone can be both at the same time, but that’s me. I get lazy with my quiet times every now and then, and yet still get frustrated with myself when I can’t change everything at once. I guess sometimes I just get the idea in my head that I need to have everything down perfectly before I can start talking again, and I try to do it myself. I have this idealistic image in my head of who I think I should be as a Christian, and I try to attain that all at once, without Jesus.
It’s stupid and it’s wrong for me to think that way, and like I told Emily last night, I’m working really hard at focusing only on Jesus. When I do that, our actual relationship and fellowship are restored, and then everything else falls into place on its own. I don’t do anything except let God change me.
A little while ago I was praying and I was basically telling God that I know I try to do things on my own and that I need Him to help me re-focus. As I’m talking, this incredibly random thought crossed my mind and completely took over, silencing me. I played it over in my head, and then I just sat there, listening. The thought evolved into "You’re okay...You don’t need to fix everything..." and this incredible peace settled over my heart. I didn’t try to say anything--I just sat there.
I’m so glad that life is not about me. My journals tend to be, but that’s because this is my heart, and I want to share it with you. I guess I make it way too easy to get to know me. =]
Last night David was talking about being "close to the cross but far from God" and being "close to the cross and close to God". The first means that you’re involved in church and you know all the right things to say, yet you don’t have a relationship with God. The second means that you do the above, except you’re real about it and you really do have a relationship with Him--you read your bible, you pray, and you do your best to live for Him.
As I’m thinking about which category I would fall under, I’m getting scared because I think I would say the second more than the first, but I DON’T always give it my all. Then David starts saying "you mess up, but that’s okay!" and I felt loads better. THAT’S my mess-up--not giving God my all ALL the time. But I’m trying...
I gotta go--I’m supposed to hang out with David today, and I gotta go get ready.
Until later,
Courtney
Tuesday, February 26, 2008
Tuesday, February 26, 2008
I haven't written in awhile, I know--my last entry in here was a prayer ten days ago. Tonight was youth, and instead of the usual "David talks, we listen" deal, we had an "open discussion", during which we talked about David's Top Ten Do's and Don'ts of Dating. =] I did of course agree with everything he covered because I've been thinking about that with myself A LOT. I'm not sure how much of it I've written about, but I had thought about my boundaries, about what total abstinence and purity mean to me, and all that, and as David was covering this stuff, I couldn't find a single place where I need to improve or where I had messed up in the past. THAT is what has been worrying me the most, in my Christian walk as well. Not that I think everything is perfect, but I'm SATISFIED, because where I am now is so much better than before, but only in certain ways. I'm settling for "okay", thinking that where I am is good enough, when it's not! I asked God earlier tonight to just search my heart, strip away anything that is hindering our relationship and my potential, and reveal to me places in my life that need to be changed. I'll keep praying about that, and I believe- I know -God will do that. Even if I don't realize it, I'll look back sometime down the road, and see a difference.
God changes us, guys! It's always amazing to witness that, whether it's your life or someone else's. For example, my testimony is pretty boring. I was never into drugs, sex, blatant rebellion, or anything "exciting". I've had my fair share of lies and attitudes, but nothing that anyone would consider "big". However, it's those little aspects that God changed in my life. My thoughts on certain matters, my relationships with people and being observant of how I act and my view of myself, even...God has affected all that, and I am so thankful! I can only pray that He would not allow me to settle into the annoying rut of acceptability and satisfaction with myself and where I'm at. To me, that seems incredibly dangerous...almost like the whole "pride comes before the fall" thing.
Well, it's late, and although I could go on and on, I should get to bed, and you should go read your bible. =]]
Until later,
Courtney
I haven't written in awhile, I know--my last entry in here was a prayer ten days ago. Tonight was youth, and instead of the usual "David talks, we listen" deal, we had an "open discussion", during which we talked about David's Top Ten Do's and Don'ts of Dating. =] I did of course agree with everything he covered because I've been thinking about that with myself A LOT. I'm not sure how much of it I've written about, but I had thought about my boundaries, about what total abstinence and purity mean to me, and all that, and as David was covering this stuff, I couldn't find a single place where I need to improve or where I had messed up in the past. THAT is what has been worrying me the most, in my Christian walk as well. Not that I think everything is perfect, but I'm SATISFIED, because where I am now is so much better than before, but only in certain ways. I'm settling for "okay", thinking that where I am is good enough, when it's not! I asked God earlier tonight to just search my heart, strip away anything that is hindering our relationship and my potential, and reveal to me places in my life that need to be changed. I'll keep praying about that, and I believe- I know -God will do that. Even if I don't realize it, I'll look back sometime down the road, and see a difference.
God changes us, guys! It's always amazing to witness that, whether it's your life or someone else's. For example, my testimony is pretty boring. I was never into drugs, sex, blatant rebellion, or anything "exciting". I've had my fair share of lies and attitudes, but nothing that anyone would consider "big". However, it's those little aspects that God changed in my life. My thoughts on certain matters, my relationships with people and being observant of how I act and my view of myself, even...God has affected all that, and I am so thankful! I can only pray that He would not allow me to settle into the annoying rut of acceptability and satisfaction with myself and where I'm at. To me, that seems incredibly dangerous...almost like the whole "pride comes before the fall" thing.
Well, it's late, and although I could go on and on, I should get to bed, and you should go read your bible. =]]
Until later,
Courtney
Monday, February 11, 2008
Sunday, February 10, 2008
I don't really know what to say tonight, except that I haven't written in a long time. I've developed a prayer list of seven people who I want to begin praying for daily, although they aren't the only ones. Sometimes, though, I run out of things to say for those who aren't saved. I find myself repeating the same petitions over and over, because I know that there is only so much God can do for them if they haven't been adopted into His family...
This morning in Sunday-school we discussed John 15:1-8, about the vine and the branches. We talked about what that means spiritually and how we can apply it to our lives. One of the questions we had to answer was something along the lines of "What does a Christian producing good fruit look like?" No one really had a better answer than "Alex" (lol), so I went to quote Galatians 5:22, which flat-outs list characteristics that kind of person would have. For some reason, though, someone shot me down before I even finished. I didn't understand--I thought it was a pretty alright answer. But as I'm sitting here thinking about, God is reminding me of 2 Timothy 1:7, which says "For God did not give us a spirit of timidity, but a spirit of power, of love, and of self-discipline". I'm not sure what that spirit of power should be used for, but I do know that I don't always display that. Now I'm not saying I need to demand every one's attention--not at all. But maybe, just maybe, I shouldn't give up so easily when someone doesn't like my ideas or thoughts. If their reason for thinking that my answer is incorrect is a JUST reason, and not a selfish or immature one, then fine. Otherwise, I should make sure my point gets across, and ignore the feeling of insecurity that kind of person would cause me.
You know, it's interesting how I start an entry with nothing to say, and end up writing three pages in this composition book. Writing helps me clear my thoughts and allow God to speak to me.
It must be an amazing feeling to know that you're right where God wants you. Oh, I'm so proud of Alex! I can't wait to see what God does with him!
...I can't wait to see what God does with me!
Until later,
Courtney
I don't really know what to say tonight, except that I haven't written in a long time. I've developed a prayer list of seven people who I want to begin praying for daily, although they aren't the only ones. Sometimes, though, I run out of things to say for those who aren't saved. I find myself repeating the same petitions over and over, because I know that there is only so much God can do for them if they haven't been adopted into His family...
This morning in Sunday-school we discussed John 15:1-8, about the vine and the branches. We talked about what that means spiritually and how we can apply it to our lives. One of the questions we had to answer was something along the lines of "What does a Christian producing good fruit look like?" No one really had a better answer than "Alex" (lol), so I went to quote Galatians 5:22, which flat-outs list characteristics that kind of person would have. For some reason, though, someone shot me down before I even finished. I didn't understand--I thought it was a pretty alright answer. But as I'm sitting here thinking about, God is reminding me of 2 Timothy 1:7, which says "For God did not give us a spirit of timidity, but a spirit of power, of love, and of self-discipline". I'm not sure what that spirit of power should be used for, but I do know that I don't always display that. Now I'm not saying I need to demand every one's attention--not at all. But maybe, just maybe, I shouldn't give up so easily when someone doesn't like my ideas or thoughts. If their reason for thinking that my answer is incorrect is a JUST reason, and not a selfish or immature one, then fine. Otherwise, I should make sure my point gets across, and ignore the feeling of insecurity that kind of person would cause me.
You know, it's interesting how I start an entry with nothing to say, and end up writing three pages in this composition book. Writing helps me clear my thoughts and allow God to speak to me.
It must be an amazing feeling to know that you're right where God wants you. Oh, I'm so proud of Alex! I can't wait to see what God does with him!
...I can't wait to see what God does with me!
Until later,
Courtney
Tuesday, January 29, 2008
Tuesday, January 29, 2008
I don't really know how to describe tonight...
I walked into youth feeling slightly...how should I put this? Slightly apathetic, I suppose. I wasn't really excited to be there, but I did look forward to having a good time overall and learning something. During drama practice I sat out in the lobby to read my book, even though everyone else wanted me to fill in for Jaydee. I don't act, and not everyone has accepted that yet! Lol. My sound/music job was sort of taken over (no hard feelings though), so I didn't really have anything else to do.
I expressed to Rachel something I've been feeling lately, and I think she understood. I suppose its an inevitable feeling, but I'm not quite sure how to handle it. A part of me wants to run and hide in God's arms--in His greatness, in His presence. I just want to soak Him up, to feel the warmth of His embrace, and to bask in His radiance! Another part, and thankfully a smaller one, wants to sit and sulk about it--wish it were different. Anyways, Rachel didn't have too much to say, but she listened, which is all I can really ask for.
Tonight David talked about the outpouring of the Holy Spirit, who is, in essence, God inside of us Christians. He explained that the Holy Spirit guides us into truth and convicts us. He went on to talk about how Greg's parents got baptized this past Sunday, and in an effort to show the possible results of witnessing, he mentioned how because I had witnessed to Greg that one day at school, his parents had been saved, and someday down the road, random people in Africa might be too.
Oh my. At first it was okay. Then it got to me. If I hadn't have been sitting in that crowd of people, I would have burst into tears. I nearly did too. I've always looked up to Greg, proud of him that he was able to show his parents who God is. But I never, NOT ONCE, thought about it the way David put it. It's the same thing as when Mr. Lenny was telling us David's story out in Immokalee. That's stuck with me too. In both situations, God showed me (loud and clear) that I will never know what will come of a small witnessing opportunity.
Man, when I talked to Greg, all we did was argue about the bible! Seriously--did Jesus really walk on water? Is there a such thing as demon possession? No one was ACTUALLY raised from the dead. I never convinced him of anything, and I never thought I would. But obviously, something caught his attention, and now his parents have accepted Jesus as well.
Back to youth tonight. Worship at the end was beautiful...No words of mine could fully express God's glory, or even come close. I don't think I'd really want to try, for fear of messing it all up. Overcome with a weight for certain people, a desire to truly live for God, and a general feeling of wonderful inadequateness, all I could do was lift my hands and face towards the ceiling, and let God wipe my tears.
Until later,
Courtney
I don't really know how to describe tonight...
I walked into youth feeling slightly...how should I put this? Slightly apathetic, I suppose. I wasn't really excited to be there, but I did look forward to having a good time overall and learning something. During drama practice I sat out in the lobby to read my book, even though everyone else wanted me to fill in for Jaydee. I don't act, and not everyone has accepted that yet! Lol. My sound/music job was sort of taken over (no hard feelings though), so I didn't really have anything else to do.
I expressed to Rachel something I've been feeling lately, and I think she understood. I suppose its an inevitable feeling, but I'm not quite sure how to handle it. A part of me wants to run and hide in God's arms--in His greatness, in His presence. I just want to soak Him up, to feel the warmth of His embrace, and to bask in His radiance! Another part, and thankfully a smaller one, wants to sit and sulk about it--wish it were different. Anyways, Rachel didn't have too much to say, but she listened, which is all I can really ask for.
Tonight David talked about the outpouring of the Holy Spirit, who is, in essence, God inside of us Christians. He explained that the Holy Spirit guides us into truth and convicts us. He went on to talk about how Greg's parents got baptized this past Sunday, and in an effort to show the possible results of witnessing, he mentioned how because I had witnessed to Greg that one day at school, his parents had been saved, and someday down the road, random people in Africa might be too.
Oh my. At first it was okay. Then it got to me. If I hadn't have been sitting in that crowd of people, I would have burst into tears. I nearly did too. I've always looked up to Greg, proud of him that he was able to show his parents who God is. But I never, NOT ONCE, thought about it the way David put it. It's the same thing as when Mr. Lenny was telling us David's story out in Immokalee. That's stuck with me too. In both situations, God showed me (loud and clear) that I will never know what will come of a small witnessing opportunity.
Man, when I talked to Greg, all we did was argue about the bible! Seriously--did Jesus really walk on water? Is there a such thing as demon possession? No one was ACTUALLY raised from the dead. I never convinced him of anything, and I never thought I would. But obviously, something caught his attention, and now his parents have accepted Jesus as well.
Back to youth tonight. Worship at the end was beautiful...No words of mine could fully express God's glory, or even come close. I don't think I'd really want to try, for fear of messing it all up. Overcome with a weight for certain people, a desire to truly live for God, and a general feeling of wonderful inadequateness, all I could do was lift my hands and face towards the ceiling, and let God wipe my tears.
Until later,
Courtney
Saturday, January 26, 2008
Sunday, January 6, 2008
We go back to school tomorrow.
I am relieved in a way, because that ensures no more boredom. However, I am also nervous. I'm worried that I'll settle back into my old routine--that cycle I mentioned awhile back. I don't know. I've asked God to help me, and to continue giving me a desire for Him, so I guess all I can do now is do my best, and trust that He'll "back me up". =]
Today I was talking to a friend of mine over text-messaging, and we were talking about her life at school, and how she has trouble being "herself", in other words a christian. She said that everyone around her cusses, and that makes it hard for her. I though to myself, "GoodNESS! Just wait til she gets to high school!" Really, though, I understand what she's saying. And it made me think. Am I like that? Do I live a "double life"? Not exactly. I can say though that my problem is not a matter of what I do at school, but what I don't do. I look at people and I see the pain behind their smiles, I see their needs that haven't been met, and I see their desire for love and attention...but do I do anything? NO. I preach about this God I love and serve, and how He's done so much for me, yet I don't even try to show those other people my faith in action. Several people come to mind from my 7th period. I want to help, I want to talk to them. But how do you bring up a conversation with someone you don't know that well, without them getting defensive?
If I could, I'd tell the girl on my bus that no matter what goes on in her life--at home, her relationships, her friends--that Jesus will always be there for her, if she'd only give her heart to Him. I'd tell her that He won't ever let her down, He won't break her heart, and He'll be the best, most reliable friend she could ever have.
If I could, I'd tell the girl that doesn't smell very good that I don't know what goes on at her house, or why she's not being taken care of, but if there is anything at all that she needs, I would do my best to get it for her. Whether it's a bath, a toothbrush, or even just a friend...I want to help make her life a little bit better, and give God all the credit.If I could, I'd tell the most fashionable girl around that...*gotta go*
Until later,
Courtney
We go back to school tomorrow.
I am relieved in a way, because that ensures no more boredom. However, I am also nervous. I'm worried that I'll settle back into my old routine--that cycle I mentioned awhile back. I don't know. I've asked God to help me, and to continue giving me a desire for Him, so I guess all I can do now is do my best, and trust that He'll "back me up". =]
Today I was talking to a friend of mine over text-messaging, and we were talking about her life at school, and how she has trouble being "herself", in other words a christian. She said that everyone around her cusses, and that makes it hard for her. I though to myself, "GoodNESS! Just wait til she gets to high school!" Really, though, I understand what she's saying. And it made me think. Am I like that? Do I live a "double life"? Not exactly. I can say though that my problem is not a matter of what I do at school, but what I don't do. I look at people and I see the pain behind their smiles, I see their needs that haven't been met, and I see their desire for love and attention...but do I do anything? NO. I preach about this God I love and serve, and how He's done so much for me, yet I don't even try to show those other people my faith in action. Several people come to mind from my 7th period. I want to help, I want to talk to them. But how do you bring up a conversation with someone you don't know that well, without them getting defensive?
If I could, I'd tell the girl on my bus that no matter what goes on in her life--at home, her relationships, her friends--that Jesus will always be there for her, if she'd only give her heart to Him. I'd tell her that He won't ever let her down, He won't break her heart, and He'll be the best, most reliable friend she could ever have.
If I could, I'd tell the girl that doesn't smell very good that I don't know what goes on at her house, or why she's not being taken care of, but if there is anything at all that she needs, I would do my best to get it for her. Whether it's a bath, a toothbrush, or even just a friend...I want to help make her life a little bit better, and give God all the credit.If I could, I'd tell the most fashionable girl around that...*gotta go*
Until later,
Courtney
Sunday, January 13, 2008
Sunday, January 13, 2008
I just woke up, and I am ready for church this morning! Not physically or anything; I'm still in bed! But, I am just excited to get back into God's house, with His people, and worship Him and learn about Him!As I was lying here, just thinking, I realized God partially answered one of my prayers! I won't share what or who exactly, but I'm so excited. I really am! Not just for what God is showing me, but also for those people I'm praying for. To see that some of my friends are beginning to have an honest desire for God and church makes me so happy!
I remember a couple years ago, when a girl I've known since middle school accepted Christ. It wasn't by me or anything, but she knew I was a christian, and I'll never forget something she said. When she came to announce her big news, she told me, after seeing my reaction, that she wanted to tell me because she knew I'd be excited for her. That might not mean anything to anyone else, but to know that, despite the fact we weren't very close, she saw that in me!
Well, must go--church in an hour.
Until later,
Courtney
I just woke up, and I am ready for church this morning! Not physically or anything; I'm still in bed! But, I am just excited to get back into God's house, with His people, and worship Him and learn about Him!As I was lying here, just thinking, I realized God partially answered one of my prayers! I won't share what or who exactly, but I'm so excited. I really am! Not just for what God is showing me, but also for those people I'm praying for. To see that some of my friends are beginning to have an honest desire for God and church makes me so happy!
I remember a couple years ago, when a girl I've known since middle school accepted Christ. It wasn't by me or anything, but she knew I was a christian, and I'll never forget something she said. When she came to announce her big news, she told me, after seeing my reaction, that she wanted to tell me because she knew I'd be excited for her. That might not mean anything to anyone else, but to know that, despite the fact we weren't very close, she saw that in me!
Well, must go--church in an hour.
Until later,
Courtney
Saturday, January 12, 2008
Saturday, January 12, 2008
A couple days ago, I was contemplating guilt. I was thinking about the effects of it, when I feel it, etc., and I was reminded of King David. I remembered hearing, or reading, rather, that he was affected by his guilt even to the point of physical illness! That got me thinking--why aren't I bothered that much when I sin? I'm not saying that I NEVER feel guilty, but it seems like that's only when my sin is "something big".
I know that in God's eyes, all sin is the same, so I asked Him to help me recognize ALL my sins, even those "little" ones, and give me an honest feeling of guilt...Guilt that I've not only done something to someone else, but to God Himself.
Until later,
Courtney
A couple days ago, I was contemplating guilt. I was thinking about the effects of it, when I feel it, etc., and I was reminded of King David. I remembered hearing, or reading, rather, that he was affected by his guilt even to the point of physical illness! That got me thinking--why aren't I bothered that much when I sin? I'm not saying that I NEVER feel guilty, but it seems like that's only when my sin is "something big".
I know that in God's eyes, all sin is the same, so I asked Him to help me recognize ALL my sins, even those "little" ones, and give me an honest feeling of guilt...Guilt that I've not only done something to someone else, but to God Himself.
Until later,
Courtney
Tuesday, January 8, 2008
Tuesday, January 8, 2008
I was so excited to head back to church tonight! I missed everybody so much--they are my second family, and even though a lot of us aren't close, just seeing their faces every week is a huge comfort! David started a really good series titled "iGod--little i, big GOD." It's based around John 3:30, which states "He must become greater, I must become less." (NIV) That is one of my favorite verses. To me, it says so much about how our lives should be.
God opened another door for me today. That girl I mentioned, the one I started talking to in 7th period? Today I was able to invite her to church comfortably--it fit into our conversation perfectly. After I asked though, I felt as if I had hit a dead end, a brick wall. She lives in Ft. Myers, and doesn't think her grandma would take her. Although I'm hesitant to admit this, I though, "Uh-oh. Now I have to tell her about Jesus himself, instead of just inviting her to church." Honestly, I've only ever done that twice, and they were extremely uncomfortable situations. I've prayed about how exactly I would start, and I've got an idea. We'll see how it goes tomorrow.
Oh, my God is so amazing! I am in absolute AWE of Him right now...I was talking to him earlier, and I was running through a list of what He is doing in my life and in the lives of the people I've been praying for. I admit, its a short list. But for the VERY FIRST time, if you were to ask me what God is doing for me RIGHT NOW, I would be able to answer you. I'm watching Him answer my prayers right before my eyes--opportunities to witness at school and the courage to follow through, building up my faith in Him and giving me a desire to spend time with Him, changing my dad's heart and giving him a willingness and an openness to hear about God's love. These may seem like simple things to some of you, but they are so important to me that to see God doing something with them brings tears of joy and wonder! I am so excited right now too! It's 11:40 pm on a school night, but I don't feel like sleeping. I just want to get up, jump around, sing, dance, scream, ANYTHING!
Until later,
Courtney
I was so excited to head back to church tonight! I missed everybody so much--they are my second family, and even though a lot of us aren't close, just seeing their faces every week is a huge comfort! David started a really good series titled "iGod--little i, big GOD." It's based around John 3:30, which states "He must become greater, I must become less." (NIV) That is one of my favorite verses. To me, it says so much about how our lives should be.
God opened another door for me today. That girl I mentioned, the one I started talking to in 7th period? Today I was able to invite her to church comfortably--it fit into our conversation perfectly. After I asked though, I felt as if I had hit a dead end, a brick wall. She lives in Ft. Myers, and doesn't think her grandma would take her. Although I'm hesitant to admit this, I though, "Uh-oh. Now I have to tell her about Jesus himself, instead of just inviting her to church." Honestly, I've only ever done that twice, and they were extremely uncomfortable situations. I've prayed about how exactly I would start, and I've got an idea. We'll see how it goes tomorrow.
Oh, my God is so amazing! I am in absolute AWE of Him right now...I was talking to him earlier, and I was running through a list of what He is doing in my life and in the lives of the people I've been praying for. I admit, its a short list. But for the VERY FIRST time, if you were to ask me what God is doing for me RIGHT NOW, I would be able to answer you. I'm watching Him answer my prayers right before my eyes--opportunities to witness at school and the courage to follow through, building up my faith in Him and giving me a desire to spend time with Him, changing my dad's heart and giving him a willingness and an openness to hear about God's love. These may seem like simple things to some of you, but they are so important to me that to see God doing something with them brings tears of joy and wonder! I am so excited right now too! It's 11:40 pm on a school night, but I don't feel like sleeping. I just want to get up, jump around, sing, dance, scream, ANYTHING!
Until later,
Courtney
Monday, January 7, 2008
Monday, January 7, 2008
*continuation*
If I could, I'd tell the most fashionable girl around that she doesn't need a guy to make her happy. It seems like all this guy is doing is causing her pain and misery. I'd tell her that the way to heaven isn't what she thinks it is, but only through a relationship with Jesus Christ will she live to see that glorious city. I'd tell her that He loves her more than she could know right now, and that He'll never hurt her. She's good at faking it--she really is. But I can tell that in her eyes, life ain't too sweet right now.
God opened up an opportunity for me to talk to one of these girls today. It wasn't much, but He gave me a glimpse into her home life, and if she had gone into much more detail I would have cried. The weird thing is, she showed NO emotion. I don't just mean on her face, either. Just the way she talked about it, like she's totally used to it, and doesn't know that there is something BETTER for her out there!
Tomorrow, I'm going to that class expecting God to work again. Others may not see it yet, but God's GUNNA use me in there, and then they will. I just pray that I'll have the courage. All those kids in there seem to have their feet firmly planted in who they think they are. When I stand next to them, I realize my own sense of identity is not nearly as strong as it should be.
Switching gears, in my quiet time I learned what turning to God for help instead of friends and family truly means. God showed me that by talking to Him about it first, I hear what I really need to hear. Friends and family will, many time, just tell you what they know you WANT to hear, and not what will actually benefit you--now AND down the road.
So tomorrow, I'm putting this into action. Before talking to a friend or adult about a problem I'm having, I'm going to talk to God about it. Then, I'm actually going to WAIT for His answer, instead of rushing of to ask someone else. And I WILL follow Him.[Based off Psalm 146]
Until later,
Courtney
"Blessed is he whose help is the God of Jacob, whose hope is in the Lord his God..." --Psalm 146:5
*continuation*
If I could, I'd tell the most fashionable girl around that she doesn't need a guy to make her happy. It seems like all this guy is doing is causing her pain and misery. I'd tell her that the way to heaven isn't what she thinks it is, but only through a relationship with Jesus Christ will she live to see that glorious city. I'd tell her that He loves her more than she could know right now, and that He'll never hurt her. She's good at faking it--she really is. But I can tell that in her eyes, life ain't too sweet right now.
God opened up an opportunity for me to talk to one of these girls today. It wasn't much, but He gave me a glimpse into her home life, and if she had gone into much more detail I would have cried. The weird thing is, she showed NO emotion. I don't just mean on her face, either. Just the way she talked about it, like she's totally used to it, and doesn't know that there is something BETTER for her out there!
Tomorrow, I'm going to that class expecting God to work again. Others may not see it yet, but God's GUNNA use me in there, and then they will. I just pray that I'll have the courage. All those kids in there seem to have their feet firmly planted in who they think they are. When I stand next to them, I realize my own sense of identity is not nearly as strong as it should be.
Switching gears, in my quiet time I learned what turning to God for help instead of friends and family truly means. God showed me that by talking to Him about it first, I hear what I really need to hear. Friends and family will, many time, just tell you what they know you WANT to hear, and not what will actually benefit you--now AND down the road.
So tomorrow, I'm putting this into action. Before talking to a friend or adult about a problem I'm having, I'm going to talk to God about it. Then, I'm actually going to WAIT for His answer, instead of rushing of to ask someone else. And I WILL follow Him.[Based off Psalm 146]
Until later,
Courtney
"Blessed is he whose help is the God of Jacob, whose hope is in the Lord his God..." --Psalm 146:5
Friday, January 4, 2008
Friday, January 4, 2008
Yesterday I bought a book at Christ Centered, titled "Being a Girl Who Leads" by Sharon Kubiak Primicerio. Of all the books there, this one caught my attention the most because David is always talking about how our youth group just needs one person to step up and lead. In my heart, I know I want to be that person, because I desperately want to see change in our group. I want to see God move in our lives in a dramatic way, but we all kinda need to see it happening to our equals first. I'm not sure if that make any sense at all, but let me get back to my original point. This book appealed to me because although I WANT to lead others that way, I truly have no idea what David is asking of me. I figured I'd get the book and leave with a better understanding of how to go about that.And I did!It taught me that leading others isn't necessarily about carrying an important title, or achieving big things in the group. Being a girl, or a guy for that matter, who leads is about "standing for something in a world that will fall for anything", and living your life the way God intends us to. I realized that before anyone will follow your lead, they will watch you and examine your life to see if you're even worth following and trusting. They want to know if you're REAL.
On a side note, I say "if you are real" somewhat hesitantly, since every time I think of the phrase I am reminded of a short, harmless debate I had with an acquaintance of mine. By the end, we had come to the loose conclusion that everyone is fake, ourselves included. Although it was never meant to be taken seriously, it still sticks out in my mind. I honestly think there may be a hint of truth in the theory, although to what degree I am not sure.
Either way, whether it is possible to be truly "real" and honest or not, people don't want to follow a person who is fake, or a hypocrite. So, being a good leader is simply something that starts with you and your life, but being open about it--letting everybody see that you live differently than most. All in all, it was a pretty inspiring book, although to someone who isn't interested in become a solid leader, it would seem boring.
I walked away a better understanding of christian leadership, and a different view of 1 Timothy 4:12:"Do not let anyone look down on you because you are young, but set and example for the believers in speech, in life, in love, in faith, and in purity."I love that verse--it always reminds me that age has ALWAYS been something that hindered christians in living for God. People have always said "Well, I'm only 13 (or 15 or 17)--what could God possible do with me?!" More than that though, it shows us the five main points we need to be leaders and role models in.
That's all for now.
Until later,
Courtney
Yesterday I bought a book at Christ Centered, titled "Being a Girl Who Leads" by Sharon Kubiak Primicerio. Of all the books there, this one caught my attention the most because David is always talking about how our youth group just needs one person to step up and lead. In my heart, I know I want to be that person, because I desperately want to see change in our group. I want to see God move in our lives in a dramatic way, but we all kinda need to see it happening to our equals first. I'm not sure if that make any sense at all, but let me get back to my original point. This book appealed to me because although I WANT to lead others that way, I truly have no idea what David is asking of me. I figured I'd get the book and leave with a better understanding of how to go about that.And I did!It taught me that leading others isn't necessarily about carrying an important title, or achieving big things in the group. Being a girl, or a guy for that matter, who leads is about "standing for something in a world that will fall for anything", and living your life the way God intends us to. I realized that before anyone will follow your lead, they will watch you and examine your life to see if you're even worth following and trusting. They want to know if you're REAL.
On a side note, I say "if you are real" somewhat hesitantly, since every time I think of the phrase I am reminded of a short, harmless debate I had with an acquaintance of mine. By the end, we had come to the loose conclusion that everyone is fake, ourselves included. Although it was never meant to be taken seriously, it still sticks out in my mind. I honestly think there may be a hint of truth in the theory, although to what degree I am not sure.
Either way, whether it is possible to be truly "real" and honest or not, people don't want to follow a person who is fake, or a hypocrite. So, being a good leader is simply something that starts with you and your life, but being open about it--letting everybody see that you live differently than most. All in all, it was a pretty inspiring book, although to someone who isn't interested in become a solid leader, it would seem boring.
I walked away a better understanding of christian leadership, and a different view of 1 Timothy 4:12:"Do not let anyone look down on you because you are young, but set and example for the believers in speech, in life, in love, in faith, and in purity."I love that verse--it always reminds me that age has ALWAYS been something that hindered christians in living for God. People have always said "Well, I'm only 13 (or 15 or 17)--what could God possible do with me?!" More than that though, it shows us the five main points we need to be leaders and role models in.
That's all for now.
Until later,
Courtney
Wednesday, January 2, 2008
Wednesday, January 2, 2008
I'm not real sure what I'm supposed to talk about tonight. Today was the same as it has been so far over Christmas break--pretty boring. I woke up this morning to an absolutely gorgeous day--freezing cold outside! After I had breakfast I started a mini art project with my mom. She wanted us to make our yearly Christmas ornaments out of phrases and bible verses; We could pick one to hang on the tree. I got creative with mine, using five altogether. I ordered them so as to create a little "story" about God and creation. It came out really nice! So nice, in fact, that I decided to hang it in my room.
Tonight, as I was continuing my bible reading out of Hebrews, I came across a passage in chapter twelve that really caught my attention. It says:
"...let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles, and let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us. Let us fix our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter of our faith, who for the joy set before him endured the cross, scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of God. Consider him who endured such opposition from sinful men, so that you will not grow weary and lose heart."
I'm not even sure what I could say to explain how I feel about that passage. I suppose it would be easier to let it speak for itself, but that wouldn't share ME, now would it? When I read this, I am filled with a feeling of extreme enthusiasm. I read it, and it makes me say, "YES! I CAN do this, and I want to get rid of everything and anything that's holding me back." Can what I go through honestly be much worse than Jesus' crucifixion? I imagine if it were me, and I can't even fathom the intensity of the pain, both physically and emotionally. If Jesus could do that for me, I most definitely can go through my life for him! And I know you hear that a lot; it's terribly cliche. But I truly believe that. I know it's not much tonight, but like I said, I didn't really know what to say. So for now I'm out.
Until later,
Courtney
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