3.12.08

Wednesday, March 12, 2008

I’m not sure where to start--but I want to explain something. The past few weeks I haven’t been living for Jesus the way I should be, but I don’t think that means I haven’t been living for Him at all.

My two biggest faults, if you haven’t noticed, are perfectionism and laziness. I’m not exactly sure how someone can be both at the same time, but that’s me. I get lazy with my quiet times every now and then, and yet still get frustrated with myself when I can’t change everything at once. I guess sometimes I just get the idea in my head that I need to have everything down perfectly before I can start talking again, and I try to do it myself. I have this idealistic image in my head of who I think I should be as a Christian, and I try to attain that all at once, without Jesus.

It’s stupid and it’s wrong for me to think that way, and like I told Emily last night, I’m working really hard at focusing only on Jesus. When I do that, our actual relationship and fellowship are restored, and then everything else falls into place on its own. I don’t do anything except let God change me.

A little while ago I was praying and I was basically telling God that I know I try to do things on my own and that I need Him to help me re-focus. As I’m talking, this incredibly random thought crossed my mind and completely took over, silencing me. I played it over in my head, and then I just sat there, listening. The thought evolved into "You’re okay...You don’t need to fix everything..." and this incredible peace settled over my heart. I didn’t try to say anything--I just sat there.

I’m so glad that life is not about me. My journals tend to be, but that’s because this is my heart, and I want to share it with you. I guess I make it way too easy to get to know me. =]

Last night David was talking about being "close to the cross but far from God" and being "close to the cross and close to God". The first means that you’re involved in church and you know all the right things to say, yet you don’t have a relationship with God. The second means that you do the above, except you’re real about it and you really do have a relationship with Him--you read your bible, you pray, and you do your best to live for Him.

As I’m thinking about which category I would fall under, I’m getting scared because I think I would say the second more than the first, but I DON’T always give it my all. Then David starts saying "you mess up, but that’s okay!" and I felt loads better. THAT’S my mess-up--not giving God my all ALL the time. But I’m trying...

I gotta go--I’m supposed to hang out with David today, and I gotta go get ready.

Until later,
Courtney