a beautiful collision

As I sit here in the silence of my room, I get ready to seek God's face. I have been writing in my journal on and off lately, sometimes about random things that went on throughout my day, but often my writing has been me coming to terms with who I am and desperate pleas for change. I have had no particular motivation to post anything, but earlier tonight, I decided I needed to. Change in my relationship with God will not fully come until I allow my confessions to get past the privacy and secrecy of my bedroom and my journal.

I found it interesting that David chose to talk about spiritual revival tonight. Everything he spoke about struck the very core of my heart. Everything that I have learned lately was emphasized tonight, and it was the little push I needed to APPLY that knowledge.

Awhile ago, I asked God to show me who I am in comparison to Him. He has begun to do just that, and it has been a horrible experience.
Lately, as in the past month or so, I have felt like God simply wasn't there anymore. I knew he was, but I could not feel his presence anywhere, no matter what I did. I became "spiritually depressed" and began to distance my self from God. Not on purpose--that's just what happened. Although I continued to read my bible and pray, it was simply that. It was not communicating with God, but just empty motions. Slowly, I began to see myself as certain things, and I was afraid to admit them even to myself. I apologized to God for those things, and I asked him to change my heart, but I don't think I really cared.
There was no grief.
Then, something changed that.

As written Sunday, September 28, 2008:
I am beginning to see myself for who I am, rather than for who I want to be. I am a hypocrite. A liar. Prideful. Fake. Arrogant. Shallow. Selfish. Too independent. Ashamed.
These words are dirty and disgusting and I cringe every time I read them about myself because I know they are true; that is my pride talking. I believe sometimes that I do everything right; that is why I am arrogant. I write these blogs and I teach people the right way to live for God, yet I barely spend time with Him anymore; that is the reason I am a hypocrite, a liar, lazy, shallow, and FAKE. I don't always want to listen to others' advice; I am too independent. I don't tell people about Jesus; I am scared, and for that…ASHAMED.

Father, I need you so much! I'm broken, God, and the life I supposedly live for you is a joke right now. I don't wanna be those things I listed. Thank you for your love and your grace…you have already cleaned me up so much! Thank you for using my sin to show me who you are! How you, so perfect and so holy, could love ME, is BEYOND AMAZING!
God, I pray that you would become more in me. Teach me once again how to seek you for YOU, rather than for show. I wanna grow closer to you than ever before, God. I love you so much, but I pray that you would turn that love into your kind, rather than my own worldly love. You amaze me, God. Thank you so much for everything.

So much is going on right now. I just need to stop all the stuff I'm trying to lead and just focus on getting right with God. For right now, I need to go.
I need to hit the floor and seek God's face.
I have changed my view of God, and I have turned him into a god that fits me and my plans, rather than conforming to His.
That is no longer acceptable to me.
Lord, please help me.
Show me what it means to truly call you Lord again.