Wednesday, March 12, 2008
I’m not sure where to start--but I want to explain something. The past few weeks I haven’t been living for Jesus the way I should be, but I don’t think that means I haven’t been living for Him at all.
My two biggest faults, if you haven’t noticed, are perfectionism and laziness. I’m not exactly sure how someone can be both at the same time, but that’s me. I get lazy with my quiet times every now and then, and yet still get frustrated with myself when I can’t change everything at once. I guess sometimes I just get the idea in my head that I need to have everything down perfectly before I can start talking again, and I try to do it myself. I have this idealistic image in my head of who I think I should be as a Christian, and I try to attain that all at once, without Jesus.
It’s stupid and it’s wrong for me to think that way, and like I told Emily last night, I’m working really hard at focusing only on Jesus. When I do that, our actual relationship and fellowship are restored, and then everything else falls into place on its own. I don’t do anything except let God change me.
A little while ago I was praying and I was basically telling God that I know I try to do things on my own and that I need Him to help me re-focus. As I’m talking, this incredibly random thought crossed my mind and completely took over, silencing me. I played it over in my head, and then I just sat there, listening. The thought evolved into "You’re okay...You don’t need to fix everything..." and this incredible peace settled over my heart. I didn’t try to say anything--I just sat there.
I’m so glad that life is not about me. My journals tend to be, but that’s because this is my heart, and I want to share it with you. I guess I make it way too easy to get to know me. =]
Last night David was talking about being "close to the cross but far from God" and being "close to the cross and close to God". The first means that you’re involved in church and you know all the right things to say, yet you don’t have a relationship with God. The second means that you do the above, except you’re real about it and you really do have a relationship with Him--you read your bible, you pray, and you do your best to live for Him.
As I’m thinking about which category I would fall under, I’m getting scared because I think I would say the second more than the first, but I DON’T always give it my all. Then David starts saying "you mess up, but that’s okay!" and I felt loads better. THAT’S my mess-up--not giving God my all ALL the time. But I’m trying...
I gotta go--I’m supposed to hang out with David today, and I gotta go get ready.
Until later,
Courtney
3.12.08
Tuesday, February 26, 2008
Tuesday, February 26, 2008
I haven't written in awhile, I know--my last entry in here was a prayer ten days ago. Tonight was youth, and instead of the usual "David talks, we listen" deal, we had an "open discussion", during which we talked about David's Top Ten Do's and Don'ts of Dating. =] I did of course agree with everything he covered because I've been thinking about that with myself A LOT. I'm not sure how much of it I've written about, but I had thought about my boundaries, about what total abstinence and purity mean to me, and all that, and as David was covering this stuff, I couldn't find a single place where I need to improve or where I had messed up in the past. THAT is what has been worrying me the most, in my Christian walk as well. Not that I think everything is perfect, but I'm SATISFIED, because where I am now is so much better than before, but only in certain ways. I'm settling for "okay", thinking that where I am is good enough, when it's not! I asked God earlier tonight to just search my heart, strip away anything that is hindering our relationship and my potential, and reveal to me places in my life that need to be changed. I'll keep praying about that, and I believe- I know -God will do that. Even if I don't realize it, I'll look back sometime down the road, and see a difference.
God changes us, guys! It's always amazing to witness that, whether it's your life or someone else's. For example, my testimony is pretty boring. I was never into drugs, sex, blatant rebellion, or anything "exciting". I've had my fair share of lies and attitudes, but nothing that anyone would consider "big". However, it's those little aspects that God changed in my life. My thoughts on certain matters, my relationships with people and being observant of how I act and my view of myself, even...God has affected all that, and I am so thankful! I can only pray that He would not allow me to settle into the annoying rut of acceptability and satisfaction with myself and where I'm at. To me, that seems incredibly dangerous...almost like the whole "pride comes before the fall" thing.
Well, it's late, and although I could go on and on, I should get to bed, and you should go read your bible. =]]
Until later,
Courtney
I haven't written in awhile, I know--my last entry in here was a prayer ten days ago. Tonight was youth, and instead of the usual "David talks, we listen" deal, we had an "open discussion", during which we talked about David's Top Ten Do's and Don'ts of Dating. =] I did of course agree with everything he covered because I've been thinking about that with myself A LOT. I'm not sure how much of it I've written about, but I had thought about my boundaries, about what total abstinence and purity mean to me, and all that, and as David was covering this stuff, I couldn't find a single place where I need to improve or where I had messed up in the past. THAT is what has been worrying me the most, in my Christian walk as well. Not that I think everything is perfect, but I'm SATISFIED, because where I am now is so much better than before, but only in certain ways. I'm settling for "okay", thinking that where I am is good enough, when it's not! I asked God earlier tonight to just search my heart, strip away anything that is hindering our relationship and my potential, and reveal to me places in my life that need to be changed. I'll keep praying about that, and I believe- I know -God will do that. Even if I don't realize it, I'll look back sometime down the road, and see a difference.
God changes us, guys! It's always amazing to witness that, whether it's your life or someone else's. For example, my testimony is pretty boring. I was never into drugs, sex, blatant rebellion, or anything "exciting". I've had my fair share of lies and attitudes, but nothing that anyone would consider "big". However, it's those little aspects that God changed in my life. My thoughts on certain matters, my relationships with people and being observant of how I act and my view of myself, even...God has affected all that, and I am so thankful! I can only pray that He would not allow me to settle into the annoying rut of acceptability and satisfaction with myself and where I'm at. To me, that seems incredibly dangerous...almost like the whole "pride comes before the fall" thing.
Well, it's late, and although I could go on and on, I should get to bed, and you should go read your bible. =]]
Until later,
Courtney
Monday, February 11, 2008
Sunday, February 10, 2008
I don't really know what to say tonight, except that I haven't written in a long time. I've developed a prayer list of seven people who I want to begin praying for daily, although they aren't the only ones. Sometimes, though, I run out of things to say for those who aren't saved. I find myself repeating the same petitions over and over, because I know that there is only so much God can do for them if they haven't been adopted into His family...
This morning in Sunday-school we discussed John 15:1-8, about the vine and the branches. We talked about what that means spiritually and how we can apply it to our lives. One of the questions we had to answer was something along the lines of "What does a Christian producing good fruit look like?" No one really had a better answer than "Alex" (lol), so I went to quote Galatians 5:22, which flat-outs list characteristics that kind of person would have. For some reason, though, someone shot me down before I even finished. I didn't understand--I thought it was a pretty alright answer. But as I'm sitting here thinking about, God is reminding me of 2 Timothy 1:7, which says "For God did not give us a spirit of timidity, but a spirit of power, of love, and of self-discipline". I'm not sure what that spirit of power should be used for, but I do know that I don't always display that. Now I'm not saying I need to demand every one's attention--not at all. But maybe, just maybe, I shouldn't give up so easily when someone doesn't like my ideas or thoughts. If their reason for thinking that my answer is incorrect is a JUST reason, and not a selfish or immature one, then fine. Otherwise, I should make sure my point gets across, and ignore the feeling of insecurity that kind of person would cause me.
You know, it's interesting how I start an entry with nothing to say, and end up writing three pages in this composition book. Writing helps me clear my thoughts and allow God to speak to me.
It must be an amazing feeling to know that you're right where God wants you. Oh, I'm so proud of Alex! I can't wait to see what God does with him!
...I can't wait to see what God does with me!
Until later,
Courtney
I don't really know what to say tonight, except that I haven't written in a long time. I've developed a prayer list of seven people who I want to begin praying for daily, although they aren't the only ones. Sometimes, though, I run out of things to say for those who aren't saved. I find myself repeating the same petitions over and over, because I know that there is only so much God can do for them if they haven't been adopted into His family...
This morning in Sunday-school we discussed John 15:1-8, about the vine and the branches. We talked about what that means spiritually and how we can apply it to our lives. One of the questions we had to answer was something along the lines of "What does a Christian producing good fruit look like?" No one really had a better answer than "Alex" (lol), so I went to quote Galatians 5:22, which flat-outs list characteristics that kind of person would have. For some reason, though, someone shot me down before I even finished. I didn't understand--I thought it was a pretty alright answer. But as I'm sitting here thinking about, God is reminding me of 2 Timothy 1:7, which says "For God did not give us a spirit of timidity, but a spirit of power, of love, and of self-discipline". I'm not sure what that spirit of power should be used for, but I do know that I don't always display that. Now I'm not saying I need to demand every one's attention--not at all. But maybe, just maybe, I shouldn't give up so easily when someone doesn't like my ideas or thoughts. If their reason for thinking that my answer is incorrect is a JUST reason, and not a selfish or immature one, then fine. Otherwise, I should make sure my point gets across, and ignore the feeling of insecurity that kind of person would cause me.
You know, it's interesting how I start an entry with nothing to say, and end up writing three pages in this composition book. Writing helps me clear my thoughts and allow God to speak to me.
It must be an amazing feeling to know that you're right where God wants you. Oh, I'm so proud of Alex! I can't wait to see what God does with him!
...I can't wait to see what God does with me!
Until later,
Courtney
Tuesday, January 29, 2008
Tuesday, January 29, 2008
I don't really know how to describe tonight...
I walked into youth feeling slightly...how should I put this? Slightly apathetic, I suppose. I wasn't really excited to be there, but I did look forward to having a good time overall and learning something. During drama practice I sat out in the lobby to read my book, even though everyone else wanted me to fill in for Jaydee. I don't act, and not everyone has accepted that yet! Lol. My sound/music job was sort of taken over (no hard feelings though), so I didn't really have anything else to do.
I expressed to Rachel something I've been feeling lately, and I think she understood. I suppose its an inevitable feeling, but I'm not quite sure how to handle it. A part of me wants to run and hide in God's arms--in His greatness, in His presence. I just want to soak Him up, to feel the warmth of His embrace, and to bask in His radiance! Another part, and thankfully a smaller one, wants to sit and sulk about it--wish it were different. Anyways, Rachel didn't have too much to say, but she listened, which is all I can really ask for.
Tonight David talked about the outpouring of the Holy Spirit, who is, in essence, God inside of us Christians. He explained that the Holy Spirit guides us into truth and convicts us. He went on to talk about how Greg's parents got baptized this past Sunday, and in an effort to show the possible results of witnessing, he mentioned how because I had witnessed to Greg that one day at school, his parents had been saved, and someday down the road, random people in Africa might be too.
Oh my. At first it was okay. Then it got to me. If I hadn't have been sitting in that crowd of people, I would have burst into tears. I nearly did too. I've always looked up to Greg, proud of him that he was able to show his parents who God is. But I never, NOT ONCE, thought about it the way David put it. It's the same thing as when Mr. Lenny was telling us David's story out in Immokalee. That's stuck with me too. In both situations, God showed me (loud and clear) that I will never know what will come of a small witnessing opportunity.
Man, when I talked to Greg, all we did was argue about the bible! Seriously--did Jesus really walk on water? Is there a such thing as demon possession? No one was ACTUALLY raised from the dead. I never convinced him of anything, and I never thought I would. But obviously, something caught his attention, and now his parents have accepted Jesus as well.
Back to youth tonight. Worship at the end was beautiful...No words of mine could fully express God's glory, or even come close. I don't think I'd really want to try, for fear of messing it all up. Overcome with a weight for certain people, a desire to truly live for God, and a general feeling of wonderful inadequateness, all I could do was lift my hands and face towards the ceiling, and let God wipe my tears.
Until later,
Courtney
I don't really know how to describe tonight...
I walked into youth feeling slightly...how should I put this? Slightly apathetic, I suppose. I wasn't really excited to be there, but I did look forward to having a good time overall and learning something. During drama practice I sat out in the lobby to read my book, even though everyone else wanted me to fill in for Jaydee. I don't act, and not everyone has accepted that yet! Lol. My sound/music job was sort of taken over (no hard feelings though), so I didn't really have anything else to do.
I expressed to Rachel something I've been feeling lately, and I think she understood. I suppose its an inevitable feeling, but I'm not quite sure how to handle it. A part of me wants to run and hide in God's arms--in His greatness, in His presence. I just want to soak Him up, to feel the warmth of His embrace, and to bask in His radiance! Another part, and thankfully a smaller one, wants to sit and sulk about it--wish it were different. Anyways, Rachel didn't have too much to say, but she listened, which is all I can really ask for.
Tonight David talked about the outpouring of the Holy Spirit, who is, in essence, God inside of us Christians. He explained that the Holy Spirit guides us into truth and convicts us. He went on to talk about how Greg's parents got baptized this past Sunday, and in an effort to show the possible results of witnessing, he mentioned how because I had witnessed to Greg that one day at school, his parents had been saved, and someday down the road, random people in Africa might be too.
Oh my. At first it was okay. Then it got to me. If I hadn't have been sitting in that crowd of people, I would have burst into tears. I nearly did too. I've always looked up to Greg, proud of him that he was able to show his parents who God is. But I never, NOT ONCE, thought about it the way David put it. It's the same thing as when Mr. Lenny was telling us David's story out in Immokalee. That's stuck with me too. In both situations, God showed me (loud and clear) that I will never know what will come of a small witnessing opportunity.
Man, when I talked to Greg, all we did was argue about the bible! Seriously--did Jesus really walk on water? Is there a such thing as demon possession? No one was ACTUALLY raised from the dead. I never convinced him of anything, and I never thought I would. But obviously, something caught his attention, and now his parents have accepted Jesus as well.
Back to youth tonight. Worship at the end was beautiful...No words of mine could fully express God's glory, or even come close. I don't think I'd really want to try, for fear of messing it all up. Overcome with a weight for certain people, a desire to truly live for God, and a general feeling of wonderful inadequateness, all I could do was lift my hands and face towards the ceiling, and let God wipe my tears.
Until later,
Courtney
Saturday, January 26, 2008
Sunday, January 6, 2008
We go back to school tomorrow.
I am relieved in a way, because that ensures no more boredom. However, I am also nervous. I'm worried that I'll settle back into my old routine--that cycle I mentioned awhile back. I don't know. I've asked God to help me, and to continue giving me a desire for Him, so I guess all I can do now is do my best, and trust that He'll "back me up". =]
Today I was talking to a friend of mine over text-messaging, and we were talking about her life at school, and how she has trouble being "herself", in other words a christian. She said that everyone around her cusses, and that makes it hard for her. I though to myself, "GoodNESS! Just wait til she gets to high school!" Really, though, I understand what she's saying. And it made me think. Am I like that? Do I live a "double life"? Not exactly. I can say though that my problem is not a matter of what I do at school, but what I don't do. I look at people and I see the pain behind their smiles, I see their needs that haven't been met, and I see their desire for love and attention...but do I do anything? NO. I preach about this God I love and serve, and how He's done so much for me, yet I don't even try to show those other people my faith in action. Several people come to mind from my 7th period. I want to help, I want to talk to them. But how do you bring up a conversation with someone you don't know that well, without them getting defensive?
If I could, I'd tell the girl on my bus that no matter what goes on in her life--at home, her relationships, her friends--that Jesus will always be there for her, if she'd only give her heart to Him. I'd tell her that He won't ever let her down, He won't break her heart, and He'll be the best, most reliable friend she could ever have.
If I could, I'd tell the girl that doesn't smell very good that I don't know what goes on at her house, or why she's not being taken care of, but if there is anything at all that she needs, I would do my best to get it for her. Whether it's a bath, a toothbrush, or even just a friend...I want to help make her life a little bit better, and give God all the credit.If I could, I'd tell the most fashionable girl around that...*gotta go*
Until later,
Courtney
We go back to school tomorrow.
I am relieved in a way, because that ensures no more boredom. However, I am also nervous. I'm worried that I'll settle back into my old routine--that cycle I mentioned awhile back. I don't know. I've asked God to help me, and to continue giving me a desire for Him, so I guess all I can do now is do my best, and trust that He'll "back me up". =]
Today I was talking to a friend of mine over text-messaging, and we were talking about her life at school, and how she has trouble being "herself", in other words a christian. She said that everyone around her cusses, and that makes it hard for her. I though to myself, "GoodNESS! Just wait til she gets to high school!" Really, though, I understand what she's saying. And it made me think. Am I like that? Do I live a "double life"? Not exactly. I can say though that my problem is not a matter of what I do at school, but what I don't do. I look at people and I see the pain behind their smiles, I see their needs that haven't been met, and I see their desire for love and attention...but do I do anything? NO. I preach about this God I love and serve, and how He's done so much for me, yet I don't even try to show those other people my faith in action. Several people come to mind from my 7th period. I want to help, I want to talk to them. But how do you bring up a conversation with someone you don't know that well, without them getting defensive?
If I could, I'd tell the girl on my bus that no matter what goes on in her life--at home, her relationships, her friends--that Jesus will always be there for her, if she'd only give her heart to Him. I'd tell her that He won't ever let her down, He won't break her heart, and He'll be the best, most reliable friend she could ever have.
If I could, I'd tell the girl that doesn't smell very good that I don't know what goes on at her house, or why she's not being taken care of, but if there is anything at all that she needs, I would do my best to get it for her. Whether it's a bath, a toothbrush, or even just a friend...I want to help make her life a little bit better, and give God all the credit.If I could, I'd tell the most fashionable girl around that...*gotta go*
Until later,
Courtney
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