Used To Be's Don't Count Anymore

As written in either late 2012 or early 2013, but never posted:

What do you do when everything falls apart around you, but it's not your life?

How do you stay strong for everyone else when a part of you feels as though you shouldn't have to deal with this, that you shouldn't be involved, that you deserve different?

Not to say that those feelings don't apply to everyone else--certainly they do, and even more so than I--but how do you handle that?

Is it wrong to want to postpone things in your life until they can be enjoyed by everyone?

I don't want to start off a marriage like this, watching one disintegrate.

Although, it could probably be compared to a game of Jenga.

For years pieces were being pulled out but I didn't know.

I just so happened to witness the tumbling crash, the game over, the "you lose".

Is it wrong to want to wait until better, happier times?

I'm afraid to spend too much time by myself, to let my mind wander, to really take this all in.

I'm afraid to let up my shades, unlock my door, break down my walls for fear of becoming too vulnerable.

It's easier just to keep those things up tight and appear solid for everyone.

Where is my prayer? Where is my God?

Probably where I left Him, waiting for me to return.

What happened? How did I get here? How did they get here? How did we get here?

It's been a long time, too long, and I always thought it'd be different, that I'd be different.

I am weak.

Deep down, my heart is broken for her and him and us.

For what used to be and is to come.

For what should be.

The memories, the life, the love.

They just lay on the floor until we sweep them away.