As I sit here in the silence of my room, I get ready to seek God's face. I have been writing in my journal on and off lately, sometimes about random things that went on throughout my day, but often my writing has been me coming to terms with who I am and desperate pleas for change. I have had no particular motivation to post anything, but earlier tonight, I decided I needed to. Change in my relationship with God will not fully come until I allow my confessions to get past the privacy and secrecy of my bedroom and my journal.
I found it interesting that David chose to talk about spiritual revival tonight. Everything he spoke about struck the very core of my heart. Everything that I have learned lately was emphasized tonight, and it was the little push I needed to APPLY that knowledge.
Awhile ago, I asked God to show me who I am in comparison to Him. He has begun to do just that, and it has been a horrible experience.
Lately, as in the past month or so, I have felt like God simply wasn't there anymore. I knew he was, but I could not feel his presence anywhere, no matter what I did. I became "spiritually depressed" and began to distance my self from God. Not on purpose--that's just what happened. Although I continued to read my bible and pray, it was simply that. It was not communicating with God, but just empty motions. Slowly, I began to see myself as certain things, and I was afraid to admit them even to myself. I apologized to God for those things, and I asked him to change my heart, but I don't think I really cared.
There was no grief.
Then, something changed that.
As written Sunday, September 28, 2008:
I am beginning to see myself for who I am, rather than for who I want to be. I am a hypocrite. A liar. Prideful. Fake. Arrogant. Shallow. Selfish. Too independent. Ashamed.
These words are dirty and disgusting and I cringe every time I read them about myself because I know they are true; that is my pride talking. I believe sometimes that I do everything right; that is why I am arrogant. I write these blogs and I teach people the right way to live for God, yet I barely spend time with Him anymore; that is the reason I am a hypocrite, a liar, lazy, shallow, and FAKE. I don't always want to listen to others' advice; I am too independent. I don't tell people about Jesus; I am scared, and for that…ASHAMED.
Father, I need you so much! I'm broken, God, and the life I supposedly live for you is a joke right now. I don't wanna be those things I listed. Thank you for your love and your grace…you have already cleaned me up so much! Thank you for using my sin to show me who you are! How you, so perfect and so holy, could love ME, is BEYOND AMAZING!
God, I pray that you would become more in me. Teach me once again how to seek you for YOU, rather than for show. I wanna grow closer to you than ever before, God. I love you so much, but I pray that you would turn that love into your kind, rather than my own worldly love. You amaze me, God. Thank you so much for everything.
So much is going on right now. I just need to stop all the stuff I'm trying to lead and just focus on getting right with God. For right now, I need to go.
I need to hit the floor and seek God's face.
I have changed my view of God, and I have turned him into a god that fits me and my plans, rather than conforming to His.
That is no longer acceptable to me.
Lord, please help me.
Show me what it means to truly call you Lord again.
a beautiful collision
Thursday, October 2, 2008
October 2, 2008
Certain people are going to find me absolutely crazy for continuing this argument, but it has grabbed my attention and I doubt it will let go anytime soon. I feel pushed to act--to do SOMETHING--but what?
Today in my American Government class we had a discussion about the "No shoes, No shirt, No service" signs and whether they are fair or not. Naturally we all had different opinions...I agreed with some others that if it was a rule that a restaurant or store holds, then it ought to be followed. However, I felt that if it came down to someone being unable to AFFORD such articles, that is it wrong to deny service. I mentioned this in class, and a friend looked at me as if I was stupid and asked something along the lines of "Who in America doesn't have shoes?!" Class continuud, and afterwards we made our way down to lunch. All of a sudden, the topic is brought up again (not by me), and by the time we "agreed to disagree", I was simply floored. Our discussion had turned from being about the "No Service" rule to being about whether or not "all homeless people have shoes".
The argument sounds absolutely ridiculous, and it is, I know. But...I just thought that it was extremely arrogant to believe that just because we live in "America" that every single person is taken care of enough to own one pair of shoes. "Maybe in 3rd worlds, but not in America". Sure, maybe a lot of homeless people do indeed own shoes, but to say that EVERY SINGLE person in big ole America does strikes me as simply arrogant. Someone also said "Why don't they just go buy shoes?"
...that's a perfect "cricket-cricket" moment!
My guess would be that if a homeless person acquired enough money to buy shoes, but they were hungry at the same time, food would take precedence.
Maybe I'm wrong. Maybe I'm way far away from the truth. I don't know...but I want to find out. I want to see those people and get to know them. I want to learn to love them, and I want to see God in their eyes.
Certain people are going to find me absolutely crazy for continuing this argument, but it has grabbed my attention and I doubt it will let go anytime soon. I feel pushed to act--to do SOMETHING--but what?
Today in my American Government class we had a discussion about the "No shoes, No shirt, No service" signs and whether they are fair or not. Naturally we all had different opinions...I agreed with some others that if it was a rule that a restaurant or store holds, then it ought to be followed. However, I felt that if it came down to someone being unable to AFFORD such articles, that is it wrong to deny service. I mentioned this in class, and a friend looked at me as if I was stupid and asked something along the lines of "Who in America doesn't have shoes?!" Class continuud, and afterwards we made our way down to lunch. All of a sudden, the topic is brought up again (not by me), and by the time we "agreed to disagree", I was simply floored. Our discussion had turned from being about the "No Service" rule to being about whether or not "all homeless people have shoes".
The argument sounds absolutely ridiculous, and it is, I know. But...I just thought that it was extremely arrogant to believe that just because we live in "America" that every single person is taken care of enough to own one pair of shoes. "Maybe in 3rd worlds, but not in America". Sure, maybe a lot of homeless people do indeed own shoes, but to say that EVERY SINGLE person in big ole America does strikes me as simply arrogant. Someone also said "Why don't they just go buy shoes?"
...that's a perfect "cricket-cricket" moment!
My guess would be that if a homeless person acquired enough money to buy shoes, but they were hungry at the same time, food would take precedence.
Maybe I'm wrong. Maybe I'm way far away from the truth. I don't know...but I want to find out. I want to see those people and get to know them. I want to learn to love them, and I want to see God in their eyes.
Sunday, July 13, 2008
So far today has been quite the adventure! This morning we met at the church at 8:00 AM, loaded up our stuff, then stayed for the service. Pastor Mike spoke about urban legends part 3, and afterwards we had a special prayer time for the twelve of us who came to Jamaica. At 9:15, we headed out, and began the 2.5 hour trip to the Ft. Lauderdale airport. Due to bus problems that involved the inability to go over 50 mph, we were not able to stop for lunch until we got to the airport. By about 2:00 PM we were through check-in and security, and were getting our lunch at an airport restaurant. Because of the nasty, rainy weather, our plane was late, so we spent the time playing spoons with pens on the waiting room floor. It got so crazy! Crawling all over each other, fighting, hollaring, etc! FINALLY we were able to board, and we sorta switched our seats around. Well, I did. Once our plane began to get in line for take-off, Emily and I started our first video diary...We are currently up to #6 or #7, and they are quite funny!
Our plane ride was smooth, boring, and filled with Phase 10. The van ride, though...SUPER FAST! Everything was so narrow and there were times when I thought we'd hit! It's sickening though, to see one side of the road filled with shacks and poverty, and the beach side with skyscraper resorts.
I'll write some more tomorrow...
Dinner was GREAT and our rooms are nicer than American hotels, in our opinion.
At the moment, the security dogs are going crazy, and someone "knocked on my window"...the girls are freaked. I'm a little bit, too, I have to admit. Lol
Until later,
Courtney
P.S. "Look who's jumpin now!"
Our plane ride was smooth, boring, and filled with Phase 10. The van ride, though...SUPER FAST! Everything was so narrow and there were times when I thought we'd hit! It's sickening though, to see one side of the road filled with shacks and poverty, and the beach side with skyscraper resorts.
I'll write some more tomorrow...
Dinner was GREAT and our rooms are nicer than American hotels, in our opinion.
At the moment, the security dogs are going crazy, and someone "knocked on my window"...the girls are freaked. I'm a little bit, too, I have to admit. Lol
Until later,
Courtney
P.S. "Look who's jumpin now!"
Saturday, July 12, 2008
Today is Thomas' funeral. Even though death is one of the most natural things, it shocks me terribly when it is a young person, even more when it is someone I knew by name. I admit I didn't know Thomas THAT well, hardly at all, but nevertheless...it's tough.
I'm more concerned about my friends who knew him. Olga especially, and David and Chris and who knows who else. I pray that I can comfort them somehow...It's hard to watch people you care about deal with something so painful. It makes my heart wrench and tighten up, if that makes sense.
Lord, take care of them.
I'm more concerned about my friends who knew him. Olga especially, and David and Chris and who knows who else. I pray that I can comfort them somehow...It's hard to watch people you care about deal with something so painful. It makes my heart wrench and tighten up, if that makes sense.
Lord, take care of them.
Thursday, July 3, 2008
1 Peter 5:5-7 "Young men, in the same way be submissive to those who are older. All of you, clothe yourselves with humility toward one another, because "God opposes the proud but gives grace to the humble." Humble yourselves, therefore, under God's mighty hand, that he may lift you up in due time. Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you."
"In today's world, asking for help is considered a weakness. We are taught to be independent and self-sufficient" --EC magazine
^ Yes! And that is me...I guess it's considered pride. I'm not necessarily boasting about myself, but I think I can do it all on my own. The fact of the matter is, I wasn't made that way. We're made to do things together.
1 Peter 5:5-7 talks about how we need to "clothe ourselves with humility". When we humble ourselves it might seem like we get the short end of the stick for awhile, but God will "lift [us] up in due time". If we keep humbling ourselves the way God asks, when the time comes, we'll see what came of it.
There's a verse that talks about tearing down the prideful and lifting up the humble.
--God will do that.
"In today's world, asking for help is considered a weakness. We are taught to be independent and self-sufficient" --EC magazine
^ Yes! And that is me...I guess it's considered pride. I'm not necessarily boasting about myself, but I think I can do it all on my own. The fact of the matter is, I wasn't made that way. We're made to do things together.
1 Peter 5:5-7 talks about how we need to "clothe ourselves with humility". When we humble ourselves it might seem like we get the short end of the stick for awhile, but God will "lift [us] up in due time". If we keep humbling ourselves the way God asks, when the time comes, we'll see what came of it.
There's a verse that talks about tearing down the prideful and lifting up the humble.
--God will do that.
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